Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.