Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

me adding lol on a serious message

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.