Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”