Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
LOL
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……