Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
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Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
🤣🤣
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.