Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

The pasta is now

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.