Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding