Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
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The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs