Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.