Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

Happy Thanksgiving

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

Very problematic

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣