Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying