Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
In space, no one can hear…
My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash
Don’t be sad, laundry.
nobody’s doing me either
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft