forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
inside you are two wolves
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one