-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
This makes total sense…
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Looking out the window, some kid on the plane asked why everything was getting smaller. Haha, what a dummy. WE’RE getting bigger. Kids, lol.
I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750
me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.