forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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*limbos under the caution tape
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey