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ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.