Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts