Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
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ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.