Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.