Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
happy halloween
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage