Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it