Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.