Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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Every. Damn. Time.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all