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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.