Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.