Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.