Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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How animals would run if they were human
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
🔦🌙👣
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Geez man, take it easy.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]