Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
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If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If a snake ate a cake
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no