Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You Might Also Like
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Happy weekend !
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.