Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.