Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
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Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?