Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
🤣
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
*weighs self after shaving
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?