Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme