forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
handsome & gretel
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My god she’s good.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.