Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

I think about this a lot