Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

getting old is fun

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality