Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

☺️

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

are they though??