Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh