Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.