Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.