Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
How actors in movies eat their food
Banana is the quietest snack
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.