Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird