Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
🗽
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands