Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
You Might Also Like
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I have a black belt in leather
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.