Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.