Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*