Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Alexa: *deep breath*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*