Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
You Might Also Like
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.