Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

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“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”


took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name


[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*


(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.


I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps


DAD: Think an earthquake’s coming.

MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know.

DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.


Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body


‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.