Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.