yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
oh good, now I can stop drinking
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me