Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

(yawn)

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.