Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Ha.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

fair

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*