Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Some people were born into their job.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today