*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.