Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

NASA has no chill

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

This hospital has everything

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

i will not be silenced

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.