*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.