Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

incredible

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

*sewing*

A thread

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

I really had high hopes for this year though

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Seems legit

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage