*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”