Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to look natural in photos

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

the pigeons are already plenty salty

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow