Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.