@mynameshank

Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.

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@ohthatbadger

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

@rolldiggity

A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing

@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”

@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

@GrantTanaka

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

@DirtMcTurd

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

@TheRolo

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

@HatfieldAnne

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

@SocialOutcast82

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.