But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
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A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing
A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*
Well played Peanut…!!
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch