Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.

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Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?


Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.


Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories

The library

(My 6yo told me to tweet this)


He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.


The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.


*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?


be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge


I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.