Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.

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Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?


7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.


A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.


Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.


totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school


It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.


Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.


I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy


[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*