Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My work here is done
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”