@mynameshank

Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.

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@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@UnFitz

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

@simoncholland

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

@heatherjs

Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.

@botandy

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

@xLiserx

It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.

@Mothernetic

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

@Playing_Dad

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

@Jenny4ashley

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*