@mynameshank

Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.

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@Bandersnaaatch

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

@junejuly12

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

@WeissBrandon

Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories

The library

(My 6yo told me to tweet this)

@girlontapas

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

@Gupton68

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

@IndecisiveJones

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

@jonnysun

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

@PaulFrei

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.