Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Twitter is the new flypaper.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.