Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

This week’s mood.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

#CoronaOutbreak

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.