Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.