*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’m calling the cops.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
They’re on their honeymoon
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Why font matters.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?