Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out