*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
cats when you pet them too long:
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
What?!?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”