*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

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[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked


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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.


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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.


Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.


My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”


My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.


Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral


Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.