*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol