[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*