[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
grandparents are too precious for this world
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
