Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

Scream sneezers need love too.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME